Spam with the Wicked English Teacher

Hi, all. Guess what! It's Wicked English Teacher Wednesday! I know!! I'm excited too!!

Today I want to take a look at spam. Not the canned "meat" product, but the unwanted and ubiquitous electronic communications we all receive all the time. Now most  all of you are familiar with spam in your emails. My non-blogging readers may be unaware of blog spam.

By Dwlocks (Own work) [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

A year ago when I started blogging, I started hearing from other bloggers about blog spam, which is found in the comments on a blog post. Most comments are from sincere readers who want to engage in conversation. Occasionally, however, a blogger gets a comment like this:

Hello everyone, it's my first pay a quick visit at this website, and piece of writing is in fact fruitful designed for me, keep up posting these posts. Here is my blog post: _________________

Obviously, I haven't included the spammers actual link. A "comment" like this is meant only to publish a link to the spammer's website. The website is almost always selling something.

By Brent and MariLynn (flickr) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Fortunately we have filters that keep those comments from ever reaching the eyes of our readers. 

As I said, I heard about blog spam from other writers, but I wasn't getting any of my own. I kind of felt left out, unloved even. Why didn't anyone think enough of my blog to send me spam?

Cypher789 at the German language Wikipedia [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)], from Wikimedia Commons

Well, friends, I am happy to report that I have arrived! I am now an official blogger receiving official blog spam! I am just so happy I could do a little spammy happy dance.

By Neil Motteram from San Francisco, USA (Spam) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

But, the Wicked English Teacher is not happy. (It is Wicked English Teacher Wednesday, y'all. Remember?) You see, most of this spam is very poorly written. If you're going to spam the Wicked English Teacher, you've got to proofread. If that doesn't help, hire yourself a better translator because a whole lot of this stuff sounds like it came straight from Google Translate.

For example:

Hi there Dear, are you really visiting this web site on a regular basis, if so afterward you will without doubt take pleasant experience. Look into my weblog __________

Ummm....what? 

On the other hand, there are some that look and sound like they were written by one of my eighth graders.

This is the right website for everyone who hopes to understand this topic. You know a whole lot its almost tough to argue with you (not that I actually will need to?HaHa). You definitely put a brand new spin on a subject that has been discussed for ages. Wonderful stuff, just excellent! Feel free to surf my web-site __________

First, this person clearly didn't read the post on which he/she commented.The "subject that has been discussed for ages" is that very controversial topic, adverbs.  But what really gets the Wicked English Teacher's petticoat in a ruffle is that incorrect use of  "its". 

As I'm sure you all know, "its" without an apostrophe is a possessive pronoun. We use it the same way we use the pronouns his or hers.

This passage calls for a contraction of "it is." That means we need the apostrophe: it's.

Another problem with this spammer's writing is the run on sentence. It should read, "You know a whole lot. It's almost tough to argue with you..." Almost? I think not. I think it would be impossible for this person to stand up to the Wicked English Teacher in an argument.

And what's with that random question mark in the parentheses? 

By Arnold Gatilao from Fremont, CA, USA (SPAM and Eggs) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Here's another prize-winning example:

Hi there i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anyplace, when i read this post i thought i could also make comment due to this brilliant paragraph. Also visit my page ___________

Capitalize your name, Kavin. Capitalize the pronoun I. Use an apostrophe in it's. Don't use commas in the place of periods. And most of all, Kavin, learn the difference between a paragraph and a blog post. None of my posts are only a paragraph long!

And then there are these that just make the Wicked English Teacher crawl under the bed and cry:

Hurrah! After all I got a web site from where I be able to in fact obtain valuable facts concerning my study and knowledge. Feel free to surf my site ___________

 Nice post. I was checking continuously this weblog and I'm impressed! Extremely useful info specially the final phase :) I maintain such info a lot. I used to be looking for this certain info for a long time. Thank you and best of luck. Feel free to surf my weblog __________

 Nice replies in return of this matter with solid arguments and telling the whole thing regarding that. Feel free to visit my web page __________

 I just couldn't go away your website prior to suggesting that I actually loved the usual info an individual provide for your guests? Is going to be back continuously to investigate cross-check new posts Here is my blog __________

Finally, I'll just leave you with this little puzzlement: 

Hello there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found that it is really informative. I am going to watch out for brussels. I will appreciate if you continue this in future. A lot of people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers! Here is my page__________

Brussels? BRUSSELS?? That comment was left on my post "The Superfluous Apostrophe." 

Feel free to pop on over there, and let me know if you can figure out what in the world "brussels" is all about.  For that matter, what are any of these things about?