What They Say Ain't What They Mean

Here's some nonsense from my handsome Hillbilly husband:

See what I mean? He's very nice looking.

The other day, I was thinking about things we all are told by the opposite sex and their families over the period of our lives.  No, I am not talking about the simple, one or two word type of statements or curse words.  But statements that sound like they mean one thing but most likely mean something completely different.  The following are some of the ones of which I have been told.

"You are a really nice looking young man!" ------ Thanks Mom!  Yeah, parents are good at trying to build you up.  On the other hand, a song Mom often sang around me said  ---  My Momma told me son--- there are more pretty girls than one ---  every time I go to look around --- there are more pretty girls than one.  My thought is that she was thinking that this poor homely hillbilly boy was going to be dumped many times in his life and that she was subconsciously preparing me for the eventuality.

Look at the handsome Hillbilly Boy!

After looking at some of your childhood pictures --- "You were such a cute kid!"  Which means----Dude! What happened?

From my first girlfriend --- "You could go with any girl in this high school!"  In her mind – "Not really, but you might as well start trying because you won’t be going with me much longer!"

After breakups --- "It's not your fault it's me!"   True! Or at least that’s my answer!

"I believe that instead of going steady, we should continue to date others."  In other words, if I don’t have any other choices, I will hang out with you.  But, I am looking for something better!

From girls --- "You are so handsome!"  Yes --- thank you --- thank you for nearsighted women who practically need braille to read!  This type of condition gives us poor homely guys a chance so they can realize our charm, our inward beauty or handsomeness!  Again, thank you!

From a girl, (good friend I worked with), after I had complained about not dating anyone in a long time ---- "Why if you were serious, all you would have to do is stand still and you would get run over in the stampede."  Admittedly, she was another nearsighted girl.  It could be that she was warning me to not walk into a room full of girls and then stand in front of the door for fear I would be killed when the girls all ran out!

From the girl’s parents – "Did I mention that her curfew time is 11:00?"  A few minutes later ---" Her curfew is 11:00."  In other words, "Screw up and I will be waiting with this here gun.  Just give me a chance to use it on you, you homely hillbilly boy!  Dear, did you see how homely that Hillbilly kid is?  We gotta get that girl some new glasses!"

From Cynthia --- "You are my good looking man!"  Yes dear, good looking, charming, etc.  Gotta love those nearsighted women!

From the Hillbilly’s Corner!

Well, I may be nearsighted, but I've seen him up close, and my Hillbilly is a very handsome man. Don't listen to his nonsense!

Why I Love My Daughter-in-Law

I told you about my daughter-in-law once. I called her Little Mama that time, but really her name is Caryn. I love Caryn a lot. She's a great mommy to our granddaughters and a wonderful wife to our son. She's smart and sweet and funny. Mostly funny. Without trying.

Let me give you an example. We were at their house last week for a big day-after-Thanksgiving party. Caryn is a marvelous entertainer. She cooks a ton of food and presents it beautifully. She decorates the house and makes everyone comfortable. I love going to her house for a party.

At one point she offered me a cup of coffee. It went like this:

Would you like a cup of coffee? Is reheated from this morning okay, or do you want me to make it fresh?

I assured her that reheated would be just fine. She responded,

Okay, but be honest with me okay? Here's what I did. I usually have half decaf and half regular, but I thought I might need some extra caffeine today because I was going to be so busy, so when I set up the pot last night, I added French Roast on top. So when I tasted it this morning, I thought, "What is wrong with my coffee? Oh yeah! I added French Roast on top." So it was weird. So is that okay? I'll make you fresh.

And she did.

The Season of Love and Understanding.

Every once in a while, my patience is tried. Of course, you know this because you know I teach 8th grade. But I'm talking about the other world, the one where the grownups live. I don't always handle it well, but once in a while I do a pretty good job.

Years ago, Alyssa and Ben were probably about 11 and 8, we were flying to Phoenix. On Thanksgiving day. Don't ask me why, something about being in school the day before, etc. My then-husband had gone out the weekend before to participate in some insane athletic even or other with his brother. I use the word insane because the whole family is full of ultra-marathoners, tri-athletes, and long-distance, death-defying bicyclists.

So anyway, my brother-in-law (from the non-death-defying side of the family) dropped us off at an airport 2 hours from home and went on his way. We were very early, so we stopped and ate a little before proceeding to check in at the gate. Yes, kids, once upon a time, if you didn't have any baggage to check, you could go all the way to the gate before anyone asked who are you and may I look at your underwear. Except that they didn't ask to look at your underwear and they only needed to know who you were so they could tell you which seat to sit in. Yes, this was a long time ago.

So there we are, mom and two kids, alone at the airport, ready to check in. When we get to the gate, we see a line at the ticket counter. A long line. A long line full of unhappy people. Angry unhappy people. We discover that due to "an equipment change," our flight is overbooked. Severely overbooked. I'm talking it looked like you could have filled a whole plane just with the people who were bumped.

People  like my children and me. Who were bumped. On Thanksgiving day.

So we sat down as the ticket agent called people's names one by one by one by one. I sat there with my two children and watched people yell at the young airline employee as she attempted to find flights for all of the people. People vented their displeasure and inconvenience all over this young woman who still remained polite to them all. She found later flights for some. She found flights from two other local airports for others. They all yelled. She remained polite.

Then she called my name, and my children and I walked up to the ticket desk. And I looked the polite young woman in the eye and said, "I wouldn't have your job for all the money in the world."

Two hours later, my children and I were on a plane bound for Phoenix. We were on a plane that happened to have three empty seats. In first class! It was the first and only time I have ever flown first class. The children recognized the specialness of the occasion and ate up the attention. I relaxed and enjoyed the comfort. The crazy Phoenix family held dinner for us. All was well.

And so my children learned that it pays to be kind to others. Or not. I don't know. But they liked flying first class.

But that's not what I came here to talk about today. I meant to tell you about this week's example of patience on my part.

As you know, I'm now making jewelry. So, of course, if one is making jewelry, one must purchase jewelry-making parts. So, of course, I ordered some online. And this happened:

On Sat, Nov 24, 2012 at 12:16 PM, Cynthia Meents wrote:
Hello,
I received my shipment of stamping blanks today. I ordered 2 of item SLL117. I received 2 of item SLL118.
Please advise as to how this should be handled. I really need the correct item as soon as possible.
Thank you,
Cynthia Meents

From:  Customer Service
Subject: Re: Order # 107155
To: "Cynthia Meents"
Date: Monday, November 26, 2012, 8:37 AM
Hi Cynthia,
I apologize for the mix up.  We have the 2 x SLL117 on their way to you today.  Please feel free to keep the other blanks.  Perhaps they will come in handy for a new design.
Thanks for shopping with us Cynthia and thanks for your understanding.
Best Regards,
Lora

Re: Order # 107155Monday, November 26, 2012 11:32 AM
From: "Cynthia Meents"
To: Customer Service"
Thank you so much for your prompt response. I'll enjoy working with the other blanks. I 'm sure I can come up with something. It's a pleasure to do business with such a responsive company.
Cynthia

Re: Order Confirmation No: 107155
Wednesday, November 28, 2012 4:24 PM
From: "Cynthia Meents"
To: Customer Service
Hello.
Sadly, for the second time, I have received the wrong product for this order.  The first time you very promptly apologized and shipped a replacement. Unfortunately, you sent the same wrong product that you sent the first time. Perhaps something in your warehouse is incorrectly marked.
I ordered 2 of item SLL117 Silver Filled Rectangle Component with Holes, 24g
Twice now, you have sent me item SLL118 Silver Filled Rectangle Component w/Slit Cutouts, 24g.
While I appreciate your promptness and courtesy in replacing my incorrect order with another incorrect order, and while I am sure that the silver rectangles with  slit cutouts are very nice, I really really NEED the silver rectangles with holes.
I look forward to your reply,
Cynthia Meents

Re: Order Confirmation No: 107155
Wednesday, November 28, 2012 5:08 PM
From: Customer Service
To: "Cynthia Meents"
Hi Cynthia,
How embarrassing.  You are correct.  It was an inventory issue.  The models were reversed in the warehouse.  Thank you for helping us discover this!
We have Rectangles with HOLES on their way.
I really appreciate the patience you expressed in your email.  I can only imagine how exasperating it was to see the same wrong blanks arrive -  again.
Our apologies - again.  Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for your Cynthia.
Thank you,
Lora

What happens next remains to be seen. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, during this holiday season, as you rush to get your shopping done and errands run, remember that you don't know anyone else's story. You don't know what they're going through or what they had to overcome today. So be patient with people. Spread a little love and joy.

My Personal Top 10

The other day I posted my 10 most-read posts. While those may have been the posts with the most page views, they're not all among my own favorites. I  mean, pacu fish? Seriously?  Today I thought I'd share with you 10 of my favorite posts from Commonplace Crazy. See if any of them are your favorites too.

Here they are in no particular order.

1. I consider these two posts to be one because they tell the ridiculous story of our wedding and honeymoon. If you haven't read these yet, you must read them now: "My Favorite Hillbilly" and "A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Honeymoon"

2. I have five grandchildren now. The Princess is the oldest, so she's been around longer and has had time to  provide us with more entertainment than the rest: "Spending Time with the Princess."

3. I love my daughter-in-law like a fish loves water. I have a post to write about her tomorrow, but last year about this time, when she was expecting my youngest grandchild, I wrote a story about her rocketing her way through Downtown Disney in Anaheim. It's a hilarious story:"An Apology. Sort of. More or Less."

4. My children are the light of my life, so read about My Darling Daughter

5. And My Wonderful Boy.

6. Once in a great while, I get serious in a post. My favorite serious post is this one: "Why I Get Militant About Skin Cancer."

7. The twin posts "10 Things I Have Never Learned to Do" and "10 Things I CAN Do!"

8. When I was tagged, I had to answer some very personal questions. It was fun and very revealing. 

9. "Mama's Pie Crust Recipe" was fun to write and turned out to be very popular too. It has 28 comments! If you want to  learn how to make The World's Best Pie Crust, be sure to read it.

Well, wait a minute. Wasn't anyone counting? Who was in charge of counting?? We've got more than 10 posts listed here because you weren't counting. See, the numbers only go up to 9, but two of them have two posts each, so that's 11. I wish you'd pay more attention.

Well, it's too late now. We've got 11, and we're stuck with 11. Just go read them. I hope you like them as well as I do!

Photo Shoot: Meagan and Jenna

NaBloPoMo Day 25

Today I did a photo shoot with two beautiful young women. Here's a sample:

The lovely lady on the right is my niece Jenna. The other pretty girl is her friend Meagan.

We used several locations including a friends barnyard.

And the almond orchard

We found graffiti under the bridge.

And a pretty little park.

I'm enjoying the photography practice even though I've let my photography web site slide. I'd like to get back to it someday.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hi, y'all. It's Thanksgiving, and I plan to spend my day eating, giving thanks, and loving on my family. I hope you are all warm and safe today.

Because it's NaBloPoMo day 22, I'm going to post something, but because I have a lot of other things to do (see above), I'm going to give you last year's Thanksgiving Day post. Most of you weren't reading my little blog way back then anyway. It was practically brand new. So here you go:

Pumpkin Pie Confessions

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope your day is wonderful and your turkey finishes cooking eventually. It seems to be a holiday tradition at my mom's that we eat at least an hour later than planned because the turkey isn't getting cooked. Fortunately I love my family, so spending time with them is a good thing. We have a huge family. My parents have 4 kids and 10 grandkids and 2 great-grandchildren, 4 child-in-laws, and 2 grandchild-in-laws,  and we all live close together and like to spend time together. It's never quiet. Ever.

But that's not what I came here to talk about. I came here today to make some confessions. Pumpkin pie confessions. You see, in  my family, I am in charge of pumpkin pie. My baby sister doesn't like pumpkin pie. She's in charge of apple pie. My other little sister, well I don't think she likes pie at all. I think she's in charge of eating the turkey. But she makes amazing Christmas cookies, so it all evens out. So for the last 30 years, I've been making pumpkin pie, and I have a few confessions to make.

1). I make an amazing pie crust. My Hillbilly brags to people about my pie crust. It's light, delicious, and flaky. But to save my life, I cannot make a pretty pie crust. I can't even make a not-horribly-ugly pie crust. So I need to confess that I have pie crust envy. I look at all the pretty pie crusts in the magazines or at other people's tables and wish I could make my pies look that good. I saw a picture the other day where they had used a cookie cutter to cut the pie crust into little leaf shapes. Somehow they even pressed in the little leaf veins. THEN, they took the little leaves and layered them all over the top of the pie. It was beautiful. I loved it. I wanted to rush home and try it myself. Then I got a grip on reality; it's never going to happen. I am embarrassed to have anyone see my pies. I'm seriously considering blindfolding people when I serve them my pie, removing the blindfolds only after they've sampled the flaky deliciousness.

2). I don't follow the directions in the recipe. I don't mean I improvise on the ingredients. Nothing wrong with that, but I don't. But the recipe says to mix the dry ingredients in a small bowl, then mix the wet ingredients in a large bowl, then add the dry stuff to the wet stuff in the big bowl. What?? Why?? Will the sugar and spices not mix if I don't mix them together separately from the eggs and pumpkin? Will the eggs and pumpkin conspire to keep them apart? I don't think so. I mean, I've been baking pies this way for 30 years, and I've never yet had one come out with all the sugar on one half of the pie and the cinnamon on the other with the ginger and cloves fighting it out in the middle. Why would I get another bowl dirty? Okay, I'm confessing this, but I'm not repenting. I'm going to keep right on doing it this way.

3). The recipe calls for evaporated milk. Most of the milk makes it into the pie, but I always save the last two swallows so I can drink it. I love the taste of it, but only two swallows worth. More than that and I suddenly don't like it anymore, so it's not worth it to buy a whole can just for drinking. I think of it as a special baking day treat. (I do the same thing when we make homemade ice cream, but that's another confession, so forget I said it.) It's weird, I know, but don't judge. It doesn't hurt anyone and the pie is fine. So there!

So there you have it, my pumpkin pie confessions. What are your kitchen confessions? What little kitchen quirks do you have that you just don't talk about? Go ahead and share. You'll feel better for it.

Wordless Wednesday Manta Ray Style

When we were in Florida, we walked out on a pier and saw dozens of manta rays in the clear water. To our surprise, they were jumping out of the water. I wasn't aware that they did that. Here are some of the pictures I took that day.

This might be what they were after.

Lunch!

Add caption

It really was a remarkable trip in so many ways. I hope you enjoyed the pictures. 

I maintain copyright on all pictures on this page. Please do not reuse without contacting me for permission first.

How much do you think a 12-inch centipede would weigh?

One of my students actually asked me that yesterday. Welcome to my world. 

Let me remind you that I teach 8th grade English, not science. 

I get asked lots of interesting questions. For example:

Why do they say throw it away if you're not allowed to throw it?

Sometimes kids just have things on their minds other than English, and I have to stop those conversations when they try to start them:

Me: We're not going to discuss Twinkies today.
Student: Can we discuss Hot Pockets?

Lately, my honors students have been writing novels for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This  has led to some extremely interesting questions in their search for realism in their writing.


The young man who asked me the question in the title of this post also asked me this: 

So my main character is crawling through the sewers and 3 red poisonous centipedes fall on him. What's a realistic reaction?

I told him my reaction would be to scream, but that might not be a realistic reaction for his macho action hero.

Another student asked me about his main character:

Student: If he's about to be attacked by a pack of wolves and he's going to shoot the alpha wolf to make the other wolves scatter, and another wolf attacks him from the side, do you think he'll die?
Me: Yes, he'll die.
Student: I don't think he'll die. The rifle gets knocked out his hands, but he's got a pistol in a holster.

Well then. I'm sure he'll be just fine. 


Of course, these questions are important to the students, so I do my best to take them seriously, even as I'm writing them down so I can share them with you. I'm not sure, but I think this next young lady is writing a zombie apocalypse story:

Student: How long will pancake mix last?
Me: Already mixed or dry?
Student: Dry.
Me: About a year. Is the box open or closed?
Student: Closed.
Me: At least a year. More in a pinch.

This is not how I pictured my life.

Student: Do Centipedes have fangs?
Me: I don't know. Maybe when you go home, you'll look that up on the Internet.
Student: Maybe. Or they could have stingers.

I don't know. Can you tell?

And finally:

I want my character to speak in Laotian in this one part, but ...{shaking his head sadly}... I don't know any Laotian.

Well, that is a problem.

Sigh.

My top 10 posts

 I hope you all realize that I have brought you 19 days of top-notch entertainment in a row. And all for free!

I thought I'd do a nice Monday Top Ten post for NaBloPoMo Day 19. I looked into my statistics and learned that these ten posts have received more views than any other. 

1. Man-Eating Fish Captured: Fun with News Friday

   This fun little article has gotten four times as many views as the next highest post. Why? Because it's about the Pacu fish. Apparently people are fascinated with this fish and it's human-like teeth. Since the day I published this post, the number one Google result that has brought people to  my blog is "pacu fish."

    This is a shame, really, because I think it's a funny post. I wish it were getting all those hits because it's so entertaining!

2. Hillbilly Hygiene 

     My husband, The Hillbilly, explains all about outhouses and one-room schools. In this article we discovered that there is a Hillbilly Hierarchy of Hygiene!

3. My Sister Hates Me!

     I have two sisters, and only one of them hates me -- just because I undertook to oversee her education when she was in high school and I was in college. Here's a picture of her hating me:

Okay, she hides it well, but I have evidence. Just read the post, and you'll see.

4. Five Things that Drive Me Crazy About Myself

Here's a little post that will help you get to know me better. You'll also learn why I never let my feelings guide my actions, and also ... squirrel!!

5. My Disneyland Photobook from Shutterfly

This is another one that got a lot of pageviews because people were looking for something else and Google sent them here. Still, if you like Disneyland and cute little girls, it's a good post.

6. Quotation Marks: Everybody's Talking

Alisa asked about quotation marks. When do you use single quotation marks as opposed to double quotation marks. You know, one finger air quotes, or two finger air quotes?

7. Let's Get This Right, People!

In this post, I go on an English teacher rant about the difference between lie and lay. If you don't know the difference, get on over there and find out!

8. Affect or Effect: The Big Showdown

This is a very patriotic post because my nephew the sailor asked me to write it. If you want to support  our military, you should read it. Of course, if you want soldiers and puppies to die, I guess you could skip it. I mean, if you can live with that on your shoulders.

9. In Which I Willingly Embarrass Myself

When Liz over at bellebeanchicagodog.com hosted a get together and invited her fellow bloggers to share their high school senior pictures, because I'm a joiner and a go-along kind of gal, I chose to participate in this little exercise in self-humiliation.

10. Fun with Adult Children

I am so glad this is in  my top ten because it is and always will be my very favorite post! Read it. Read the comments. You won't be sorry!

So, according to Google Analytics, these are my ten most-read posts of all time. But which are the posts you've enjoyed the most? If you're one of my original readers, you may have liked some of my earlier posts better. Please let me know in the comments so that I know how to continue to entertain you!

Things We Can't Say in Front of the Children

Yesterday The Hillbilly wrote a post in which he got a little . . .ummm. . . personal regarding. . . well . . . "a schoolmarm's leg." As we kind of expected, our adult children didn't take it well. Alyssa even made a statement in the comment section:

ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew 

This has been going on since we first got married. Eldest daughter, April,  told her dad at the reception, "That was the longest wedding kiss I've ever seen." No. It wasn't.

About a week after that, we were having Christmas dinner at The Hillbilly's sister's house. Apparently some appliance was overheating, and we were all in the kitchen trying to figure out what was going on. His sister wasn't sure what the problem was, just that it suddenly "smelled hot." The Hillbilly looked at me and asked, "Do I smell hot?" And I answered, "No, but you are." And eldest son, Jerod, said, "Okay, I have to leave the room now."

In our defense we were newlyweds, remember.

Another time I was explaining to someone that the Hillbilly always tells me that I'm his main squeeze, and I always tell him I'm his only squeeze. Alyssa happened to overhear that. "Eww, Mom. Too much information!"  Seriously?

So we try not to let the adult children hear "too much information." For instance, I'm sure they don't want to know that the Hillbilly likes my "cute, little, round, twitchy butt."

It's not like he actually pats me on the fanny . . .  when they're looking. Very often.

Of course, it's not just things we say. They don't approve of me sitting on The Hillbilly's lap either. Younger son, Ben, was especially perturbed to find me on his lap shortly after I had had surgery because he didn't think I "should be climbing up there."

The Hillbilly likes to point out that we have a license.

So, what do you and your spouse do or say that makes your children roll their eyes and leave the room?

Hillbilly Sayings

You know, we all have our favorite sayings and expressions. The ones My Hillbilly uses are slightly more . . . descriptive than the ones I'm used to.

The other day, I got to thinking, (no wise cracks please), about different sayings I have heard in my lifetime.  Of course, many of these were while I was back in Hillbilly Land.  At any rate, I got to wondering what they really meant and or where they came from.  Here are some of examples:

Dumber than a brick! 

 Hmm!  I have used this saying most of my life!  I like it!  But what is dumb about a brick?  I have used them for many things.  I like them on houses.  A friend of mine was once telling me about his younger and dumber days in Kansas City.  He said they went out and picked fights and fought on the street almost every night.  His brother walked up to some guy and tried to pick a fight . Much to his brother’s surprise, the guy pulled out a card that said something to the effect, I am trained in martial arts and my hands are registered as lethal weapons.

The Way to Black Belt: A Comprehensive Guide to Rapid, Rock-Solid Results

I said, “Really? Wow! What did your brother do?"
“He hit him with a brick."
So as we see, bricks aren't dumb. They are versatile but unthinking and inanimate objects.

Crookeder than a dog’s hind leg! 

 I realize that this is not great English.  However, that was the way it was said.  At any rate, a dog’s hind leg is fairly crooked but I could probably think of other things more crooked.  Usually this was used to describe a road but also was used to refer to people who were considered to be quite dishonest.   Can you think of a few people for whom this term might apply? No politicians; that would be too easy.

Goofier than a mashed cat!  

What???

I have used this for years.  It is the equivalent of running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  This is another saying that I have used for years.  These are sayings that compare how someone is reacting to the actual reactions of animals due to quite traumatic events.  Usually it is used much more lightheartedly than the actual event with the animals.

Lightheartedly??? Who's lighthearted? C'mere, Hillbilly, and I'll show you lighthearted! 

Smoother than a schoolmarm’s leg!  

Hmm!  Let me check!  Cynthia, come here for a moment!  Hold still!  Yep!  Pretty smooth!  Mmmm!  Mmmm!  Oh yeah, I got to finish this blog post.  So where was I anyway?  I don’t know exactly where this saying came from, but I like it.  I suspect that back years ago, when more uptown girls became teachers and got jobs in the country, that perhaps they shaved their legs more often than country women.  Hey!  I don’t know! But you have to admit, it is plausible and apparently someone checked!  Thus the saying!

Wooing the Schoolmarm (Love Inspired Historical)

Wise as an owl!  

I don’t know why an owl is considered wise.  It might do with the fact that they are watchful.  Their eyes are wide open!  Being watchful would be considered wise.

Fatter than a hog, quicker that a cat!  These are self- explanatory!

Deader than a door nail or deader than a hammer!  I don’t know, these objects were never alive.  They are just inanimate objects.

She eats like a bird!  

Hmm!  What kind of bird?  Have you ever seen an eagle eat a fish or a buzzard eat road kill?  I think the saying is supposed to have do with being dainty and not eating very much.

They have heads shaped like an ax!  

This was generally used to describe features of some inbred hillbilly families and to warn off others of the problems that come from inbreeding.  Unfortunately, we do know that traits, features, health problems, etc generally do increase from such practices.

If you could buy them by the pound and sell them for what they think they are worth!  

Very fitting for various people I have known over the years!  It just refers to people who are stuck up and think they are better than anyone else.  Of course, as per this saying, their opinion is not usually shared by others.

He could tear up a crowbar!  

This just refers to someone who is so careless that he tears or breaks about everything.  In other words, the kind of person, that you prefer not to lend your tools!

Slicker than snot on a glass door knob.  

Eeeeww!!!

This one has been changed to slicker than snot on a door knob(Cynthia's note: this is not better). Actually it has been shortened even more to just slicker than snot.  The original saying probably came from someone who had glass door knobs and snotty nosed kids.  In my humble opinion, all these sayings are more endearing when spoken in a southern or hillbilly accent.  For instance, slicker than snot would come out more like --- slickernsnot! (Cynthia's note: Nope. Not a lot more endearing. . . Okay, maybe a little.)

I am sweating like a dog.  

I changed that to sweating like a big hairy dog.  Okay!  I know dogs perspire through the end of their nose.  But the visual is of a big furry dog suffering in the heat.  Yes, and if my nose is that wet, I might refer it back to the slickernsnot saying.

Not the brightest bulb on the tree or the sharpest tool in the shed.  

Of course, these terms are usually used to as a derogatory term towards someone who is not thought to be bright.  Yes, I have used them when I have seen people continue to make stupid mistakes.  However, I have been known to get in a hurry and mix the two and come up with something like this.  He is not the sharpest bulb on the tree.  To my defense, a bright bulb could give off a sharp light --- or something like that.  Whatever!

 As you can see by this, I sometimes just get tired and confused.  Fooey on this!  I think I need to go back and do some more checking on the saying smooth as a schoolmarm's leg.  Hey Cynthia!

From the Hillbilly’s corner!
 





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